I've decided...

To let my close friends read my blog. This past weekend a best friend decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore because I am too negative and talk about my friends too much. She wrote me an email and didn't give me the chance to explain myself, though I tried 4 or 5 times with no response. Lately, we had been drifting apart and spending less time together - which I was okay with. I didn't think the friendship had to be completely over and that someone had to be to blame for it.

I've realized that yes, I do talk about my friends and my attitude has changed. It is so hard for someone not going through infertility to understand just how much it impacts your daily life. I think I have used talking about others as a way to avoid talking about what is going on with me. I know I've never said anything hurtful, but I've possible vented to the wrong people. It is sad that this has to be over, but I have to move on.

I have to let this friend go, and maybe someday she'll be back. But I can't spend my days mad at her for being immature, I have more important things to do and friends who love me and WANT to be my friend.

I just wish if she would have seen the change in my personality she would have come to me instead of ignore me and then when I reach out completely close the door on our friendship. I think if she knew what I have gone through this past year and a half her outlook would be different. I can only hope she would have been supportive.

The worst part is that before her wedding (which I was a bridesmaid in) her older sister was very absent, and she constantly vented to me that she wishes she wasn't in the wedding and that she was being a total bitch and not supporting her in her big day. She later found out that she had a miscarriage and immediately forgave her and let her back in and stopped judging. I know I haven't had a miscarriage but what I am going through is very similar and has impacted my life in the same way. Both of us can't have babies. Now her sister is pg and my friend is happily planning the baby shower. It's just unfortunate that my friend can't see the situation from another perspective. Maybe someday she will.

In the past year I've gone from optimistic and knowing I'm going to have a baby, to thinking I have cervical cancer and a doctor telling me I'm never going to get pg naturally. I would expect any one's personality to change and their friends to be supportive and understanding.

What I now realize is that I didn't allow them to be supportive because I didn't let them in on my life. I know they won't judge me and I think it's important that I clue them in to how serious this is and how it is affecting me each day. Hopefully it will help and I won't loose any more friends because of my IF issues. Hopefully my old friend comes back, I'll gladly let her back into my life because I don't give up on people and everyone deserves a second chance.

So friends, feel free to post comments. I'd love the support as I start the next part of my journey to motherhood with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) - you may want to refer to the common abbreviations section to understand what the heck I'm saying...

Love you all!